The funniest jokes on the net

    DETROIT--With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which …

    Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Or…

Yo' mama so dumb, when she filled out her job application and it said ‘sex,’ she wrote “not lately.”

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts. Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we …

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?" Elec…

Run one lap around the office at top speed Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player'must be in the bathroom at the time) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning…

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack …

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about th…

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the e…

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever aft…

A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED. ''Yes.''

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a bre…

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office? A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and he always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired. An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He …

A blonde goes to work and sees that one of her co-workers has a thermos. She asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, ''It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold'' The blonde w…

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?'' ''In 3 months.''

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangem…

Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.'' Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?'' Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step…

You might be a redneck if you are working at a welfare office and are arrested for stealing food stamps.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here so…

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at a neurosugeon's house. After a 2-minute job, he demanded $75. "I don't charge this amount even though I'm a surgeon." "You're right -- that's why I s

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The only job applicants were the town drunk and a ne…

A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike. "How'd you get that, son?" "By hiking." "Hiking?" "Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality. "If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it b

Yo mama got sacked from a sperm bank for drinking on the job!

The manager of a megastore came to check on his new salesman. "How many customers did you serve today?" the manager asked. "One," replied the new guy. "Only one?" said the boss. "How much was the…

1) Inflatable dart board. 2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses. 3) A book on how to read. 4) Solar-powered flashlight. 5) Screen door on a submarine.

You might be a redneck if the interveiwer asks, '“Did you know that we are a Fourtune 500 Company?'” And you answer '“What track do y'all sponsor that race at? I ain't been to that one yet.”

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked, "Do you have any military experience?" The Marine replied, "Why, y…