The funniest jokes on the net

   As you grow older, what lost quality of
your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.

B. Idealism. C. Going into the ladies room with your mom.

    In your opinion, the ideal
pet is:

A. A cat.

B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats.

    You have been seeing a
woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with
her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you’re watching a
football game; she’s reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky,
tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the
uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking
whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of
future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you
do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.

B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

    Okay, so you have decided
that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her – sharing
the joys and the sorrows, the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell
her after dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell her what?

    One weekday morning your
wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your
first question to her is:

A. “Do they need to eat or
anything?”

B. “They’re in school already?” C. “There are three of them?”

    What, in your opinion, is
the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the
place for forty years before they finally  got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.

B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. C. He refused to ask for directions.

    What is the human race’s
single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.

B. Religion. C. Remote control.

    Alien beings from a highly
advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token
of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean
energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence
all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

a.     Present it to the
President of the United States.

b.     Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. c.     Take it apart.

    When is it okay to kiss
another male?

a.     When you wish to
display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

b.     When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) c.     When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

    What about hugging another
male?

a.     If he’s your father
and at least one of you has a fatal disease.

b.     If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. c.     If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a homerun to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: i.     He is legally within the base path, ii.    Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and iii.   You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

    When is it okay to throw
away a set of veteran underwear?

a.     When it has turned
the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones
were originally intended for your legs.

b.     When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. c.     It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.